1. You glare at your cat in the morning as you get ready for work and say, “God, I wish I had your life.”
2. “Am I ever going to feel like myself again?” Is something you ask. Every day.
3. A Bon Iver or John Mayer song comes on and you start crying. By yourself, or around friends. Or in the middle of a coffee shop as strangers slowly usher their children away.
4. “When is life going to feel like it’s supposed to?” Is something you ask. Every day.
5. You’re reading this article right now because you Googled: “Quarter Life Crisis?”
6. Visualizing yourself 15 years from now doing your bosses job makes you throw up a little in your mouth.
7. You’re having arguments with your mom again about cleaning your bathroom and being home at a reasonable hour.
8. Your monthly routine of expenses being greater than your income is dawning on you as a serious problem.
9. You’re having arguments with your newly cemented spouse and/or roommate that sound awfully like the arguments your parents used to have, that you swore you’d never have, yet are having.
10. You’ve moved six times in the last four years.
B. You’ve had six jobs in the last four years.
C. You’ve had six boyfriends in the last four years.
D. You’ve had six girlfriends in the last four years.
E. You’ve had no boyfriends/girlfriends in the last six years and you’re scared your boyfriending or girlfriending is broken.
11. You’d pay top dollar for a moment of clarity.
12. That young mom with the crazy hair and stains on her shirt and bags under her eyes that kind of smells like rotten milk who you rolled your eyes at throughout college. Yeah, well you roll your stroller into a coffee shop after waking up six times with your baby and see a college girl look you up and down with that same disgust. And it takes everything within you not to walk over to that snooty college princess and punch her in the face.
13. Your part-time, temporary job at Starbucks has lasted three and ½ years.
14. You binge on buying brand names to try and cover up that you’re broke.
15. You find yourself repelled and compelled by church at the same time. You ask God for help one day and then you’re yelling at him the next. Your faith is a roller coaster and you’re pretty sure your seat belt is about to come undone.
16. You see so clearly the two roads in front of you. A life of comfort and a life of risk. And you’re not sure you have the right car or directions to go down either one.
17. You surf the internet so much at work every day that you literally hit a point where you don’t know what else to search for.
18. You laughed, and cried, when you read 21 Secrets for your 20’s.
19. Making a budget is completely debilitating.
Even thinking about doing your taxes. Debilitating.
Buying groceries. Debilitating.
Doing dishes. Cooking dinner. Looking for a job. Calling your mom back. Calling your best friend back. Picking up the phone at all. DEBILI-FRICKING-TATING.
So you watch four seasons in a row of _________, while Facebook stalking exes and enemies.
20. The phrase you dread hearing the most at work is, “Congratulations, you’re getting a promotion.”
21. You feel like every time you’re a bridesmaid/groomsman, an angel loses it’s wings.
22. You dream about going back and punching your Smug-College-Self who was so sure had all the answers.
23. You seek out a mentor for answers one week and you avoid them like the 8th grader with bad BO, the next.
24. You have no idea where to go for answers.
25. You’re 99.7% sure a road-trip would fix everything.
If you feel like you’re having a quarter-life crisis, watch this All Groan Up video – Twentysomething Problems (as told by eggs). You’ll love it!