The secret to finding, and marrying, the RIGHT person
Posted on December 25th, 2012
#8 most popular post of 2012 on All Groan Up. Merry Christmas!
“What’s the biggest secret to finding the right person to marry?” a single friend asked me this weekend.
Sure we were getting strapped into The Scorcher at the time, a roller coaster that was about to hurdle us 100 mph into the air with belts tightened in places you don’t want belts tightened.
But when he asked me the secret to finding the right person, I knew the answer instantly. And I was surprised that the answer was a pretty dang good one. The intensity of the moment gave me an enlightened sense of clarity. That, or it was the funnel cake talking.
“The Secret to Finding the Right Person?”
The answer is simple.
Stop looking.
Seriously, Stop Looking
I remember in my 20’s being obsessed with looking for The One. My eyes always on high alert like I was searching for an extinct bird.
Health food stores became an excuse to find some basil, quinoa, and my soul-mate for life. Church services were spent scanning the aisles, my eyes resting on a possible-possibility as I let out a “Praise Jesus”.
Oh, and I had some serious run-ins with “this-is-the-One-I swear-it.” You know the kind. At first, you’re positive it’s the genuine thing. But just like buying that knock-off pair of sunglasses, something always breaks in about a month.
- Why were all the girls I dated all so insecure?
- Why were they so unsure with who they were and what they wanted?
- Why couldn’t I find the right person?
The Single Song-and-Dance
I was doing my usual being-single-sucks song-and-dance with my mentor, when he gave me a piece of advice that changed my whole strategy.
“Stop worrying about finding the right person. Start working on becoming the right person.”
Picture from the 21 Secrets from your 20′s eBook
Be the Right Person
Why were all the girls I dated so insecure?
Because I was so insecure.
Why were all the girls I dated so unsure of what they wanted?
Because I had no freaking clue.
Like attracts like. And the girls I liked were a lot like me, and what we both were like, was somewhat unlikable.
I wanted to find someone to heal from my insecurities, when I really needed to heal from my insecurities, so that I could find someone.
My life was spent walking in circles with bags filled with crap. So I attracted travelers with the same set of luggage on the same journey.
You can’t meet someone in Hawaii when you’re begrudgingly walking circles around Newark. You can’t find someone on a trip you refuse to go on.
Job of Inner-Work
So for years I began to intentionally travel down the rocky, scary path that Parker Palmer calls “inner work”. I opened up my closet doors and faced the monsters I’d been harboring for far too long.
Scary creatures called insecurity, depression, anxiety, and self-hatred.
Did these monsters tuck tail and run the first moment I shed light on them? Heck-no. They fought for their lives. But through prayer, mentorship, honest conversations, and falling flat on my face time and time again, the monsters began to shrink as my light began to grow.
Marriage Will Not Fix Any of Your Problems
Now that I’ve been married for four years to an amazing woman, I still understand that getting married will not, and does not, fix any of your problems. No, getting married will just show you how many problems you really have.
Your spouse will open all those closet doors and if you haven’t tackled your monsters, watch out for when they attack. Typically when your in-laws are over. They love that.
“When we are insecure about our own identities, we create settings that deprive people of their identities as a way of buttressing our own” ~ Parker Palmer
And while I have no idea what “buttressing” means, I’m pretty sure it has something to do with being an ass.
So stop looking for the right person and focus on becoming the right person.
I promise, right attracts right.
If you’ve ever met my wife, you know the strategy paid off for me 1,000 times over.
Love this post, Paul! I went through the “why are they all ______” thing and the rough realization that I was a hot mess of didn’t-have-my-shit-together a handful of years back. I put myself on Boy Probation (as I called it) to give myself time to become the best version of me I could muster up. That was 4 years ago – and I’m still working on it. (Okay – so maybe I got really comfortable while on Boy Probation and it may have lasted longer than needed.) I did give in a few weeks ago and decide I’m ready though. We’ll see if probation paid off!
Ha. Well said Megan.
“Boy Probation”. Pretty sure you should copyright that phrase.
Good post! I think the advice to “stop looking” for that “one perfect person” and focus on becoming a better person yourself is dead-on.
But still, I think that’s only half the story- it’s not wrong to look, it’s not wrong to WANT to find a husband/wife. God invented marriage and gave us that desire.
There has to be a balance between setting a crazy-high, impossible standard for some magical perfect person that fits all my selfishness and weird quirks, and not looking at all. What is that balance? I don’t know- trying to figure it out for myself right now.
Definitely. Couldn’t agree more. Great thoughts.
When I say “stop looking” I don’t really expect, nor think we should, put on blinders and look solely inward. As long as we have eyes and a heart, we’ll always look. And look we should.
It’s just amazing how your perspective changes. How you look in a different way when your focus changes.
Thoughts?
I’m sure this is sound advice, but I do get frustrated when my married friends take their own personal experience and turn it into a panacea for all single people. I hear “All you have to do is…put yourself out there…stop looking…take up hobbies…create space in your life…”
I’m sure all of it is good advice (if at times, conflicting), but I don’t believe there is one single ‘secret’ to finding a spouse. That’s just not how God works – He’s not making cookie-cutter stories out of our lives. Everyone has a different path, a different story, a different experience.
Some people get married long before they become the ‘right’ person. And some people will put in all the hard work to become that ‘right’ person, and still end up single. There’s no one, right, ‘simple’ fix.
Further, taking this advice a step further unfortunately lends itself to the belief that people who are married must all be totally secure, mature people, while single people must still need to work on themselves. I.e. married people deserve their married status, while single people are ‘works in progress’ who clearly deserve to be alone while they clean up their act.
That is *not* what you are saying with this post, I know. Not accusing you of saying that. It’s just that I’ve been burned before by that sort of attitude, which I think easily stems from the idea that marriage is some reward for getting your sh*t together.
Kristy- yes, I totally agree with you- there’s not some magical secret, because everyone is different. I feel like I’ve spent so much time trying to analyze everything, read books on dating, ask for advice, pray, etc- trying to figure out what I needed to do in order for God to reward me with a husband. (I wrote about this a bit here: Follow God and Snag a Guy.)
In reality, dating happens when 2 people decide to date. And you can speculate a lot about what circumstances lead to dating, etc, but at the end of the day, that’s how it happens.
Love this post. A lot of wisdom here.
Thanks Neil
so good….this is definitely the best piece of advice I could give a single person.
Thanks Talia!
I think you meant “WRIGHT attracts right.” Because I suck, and she’s so so so right.
Anyway, love this post man. This insight is pure gold, and for sure would have saved me a lot of dumbness in high school… and college…. and after college. Okay, I’m not sure I figured this out before my wife crashed into my life, but it still is really really good advice.
Ha. Thanks Mike.
Stop Looking = amen!
So true & completely agree
I dated some duds while I was in grad school. Clingers, committment phobes… then I took a good look in the mirror and went “Wow, aren’t I just swinging from one polar opposite to the other in my own behavior?” I was either desperate to make this guy “THE ONE” so badly it clouded my judgement or I was running away from a new guy like the plague.
A week after I graduated, I went out just for fun- I had nothing invested in that evening and in fact, didn’t want to meet someone… I was peacin’ out of Chicago and wanted nothing of it… I was onto bigger things.
Then I saw a guy sitting alone at the event we were at and said hi… and now, I’m in a relationship, training for a half marathon (when I met him, I laughed in his face when he said he ran for fun) and am looking for my options back in Chi… ya, I totally stand by your advice since I lived it!
Before I met “the guy” I spent a ton of time reading books & working on my own passions/hobbies. I still met a few duds that totally didn’t jive, but that was because I finally KNEW what I really, truly needed and wanted. Any guy that wasn’t marriage material? No dice buddy… it was so much easier, and when a guy came that met the criteria, I was ready.
Great post!
Thanks Shannyn for sharing your story. So true and so applicable.
It just seems to be you can’t go wrong bringing as much personal stability as you can to this crazy little thing called love
Simple. Poignant. True.
Thank God someone understands!
Thanks Courtney
(you have a few typos, but…) Love the article
Yep, typos are what happens when I try to write and post at 5 am without my amazing wife reading it through first
This is an insanely good post, Paul. Love it! Renee at The Feminine Woman blog talks a lot about these concepts too, and I agree. To find the “right person”, you have to become that right person. (And yep, it’s no picnic… been dredging my own “monsters” lately.) Anyway, great thoughts!
P.S.
The second I read “buttressing”, I stopped and was like…what the heck does that mean? I laughed SO hard. Haha!
Ha. Thanks Tanya for the kind words.
Buttressing is definitely the word of the week!
Well, this one hurt to read.
Ouch and OUCH again!
Thank you for the conviction today.
So this “inner-work” / taggling the monsters (damn they give me a hard time) will pay off?? ´Cause I was about ready to quit therapy and stop facing my insecurities!! They really DO fight for their lives and I’m tired! But hey, thanks for the post, I´ll be sure to keep working through my issues even though it’s exhausting!!
Thanks for answering my question!
some great insight!
I found this website through pinterest and I am so glad I did! Thanks for writing about the twenties. I need to listen to this guidelines and stop looking! Thank you again for posting this and for putting out this website!!!!
Thanks Julie for these kind words. I’m honored
I totally agree with this. If we focus on being and becoming the right person, then we will attract the right kind of person.
Thanks Jeremy
I went through a phase of hating watching other people be happy. I definitely experienced depression and stress and had my days of hating to be single. I’m obviously not alone in that, lots of people have those feelings. And I don’t think I went on a single date during that period of time. That’s because misery isn’t attractive. It took a while, but I decided to be a happy person. Eventually, I realized that I was happy just by myself. It wasn’t long after that my old friend became my boy friend who became my fiance who became my husband. Everyone is different, but I very firmly believe you can never make someone else happy until you can make yourself happy. Great article, I loved it!
Thanks Claire for sharing your story and the kind words!
Claire, “You can never make someone else happy until you can make yourself happy.” I think this is why my current beau cannot make me happy. He isn’t able to make himself happy. And that’s just so saddening.
Leelee – I just ended a long term relationship because of the same reason. He needs to work on himself and make himself the person he wants to be before he can contribute to a relationship. That being said its not easy to make the decision to leave someone you love knowing they have that potential but they just aren’t motivated. It is really sad when you feel you’re ready for more but the person you’re with isn’t the right one. And married people are just as messed up as single people! Just because you have a title of husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/single doesn’t mean anything. Im really struggling with the aftermath and feeling of loneliness of ending a relationship with someone I care about because it just wasn’t right… Even though I know it is the right decision…
Erin, happiness, like success, is a journey, not a destination. The sooner a person realizes this fact, the sooner they can enjoy their life, kinks and all, with another person. What you must do, is depend on yourself for your support and happiness, and live your life by example. What happens, slowly but surely, is that the unhappy person sees the happy person, and realizes that they have the power to create their own happiness. That is love, that is faith, and that, is friendship.
Thanks for this article. It is true that you just need to be patient to find the right one for you. All those searching may just leave you exhausted so it is better to wait and see what happens.