Anthony Moore is the All Groan Up honoree today and I’m excited to introduce you to this up-and-coming writer. Anthony discusses post-college-awesomeness on his website, stuffgradslike.com and his Twitter. He’s not much different than you: roguishly attractive, dashingly sophisticated, and a lover of fine eateries like Wendy’s and Dominos.
We all know that relationships can be a wonderful shower of dreamy wishes-come-true wrapped in a box of chocolates, or they can be a minefield of frustration and resentment, booby-trapped with regret, hurt, and Valentine’s Day letdowns. You expect more, they expect more; neither party is happy, and the romance disappears faster than the Flash on anabolic steroids.
Still, you can have a wonderful relationship with the love of your life; many of us simply don’t know how.
So, if you’re tired of the miscommunication, heartbreak, and empty gallons of ice cream and/or the crumpled bags of potato chips strewn across your living room, read on about how to have the best relationship after college that you can dream of.
Photo Credit – Brandon Christopher Warren – Creative Commons
3 Difficult Pieces of Relationship Advice You Need to Hear
1. Want to Be Single
Let me explain.
A few years ago, I was single. Painfully single. I was falling in love with every cute stranger in the same line of Panda Express. You can imagine my incredulity when someone offered me this advice:
“As soon as you don’t want a girlfriend, you’re ready for one.”
First of all, that’s gotta be the worst Catch-22 in the history of mankind. What does that even mean? Well, with that logic, I’m always going to be single.
But once that marinated for a while, it finally sunk in; the constant desire to fill the void with a cute girl who liked me was a vacuum that wasn’t going to stop, even if I did get a girlfriend. Only when we can find meaning in other things – things like God, family and friends, ourselves, our passions – can we really become someone who can have a truly healthy relationship.
Once you realize that marriage, kids, and financial security can never fully fulfill or satisfy you, you’re already in a way better (and more realistic) place than a person still desperately trying to find Mr. or Mrs. Right.
2. Don’t Settle
People! Settling is one of the most destructive diseases present in relationships as we know them.
Don’t end up being with someone that just “makes you happy;” someone you can “live with.” For that matter, don’t be with someone you expect to make you happy all the time. Over time, they’re simply not going to be able to, and you’re going to bed left unsatisfied. Find someone you can’t live without.
Warning: it’s going to take guts not to settle. Not settling might mean being single for a while. Maybe a long while. But true happiness and fulfillment comes from waiting for the right person, being brave enough to say “no” to several potential candidates, because they’re just not the one.
3. Finally: Put Yourself Out There!
The perfect guy/girl isn’t going to just fall into your lap out of nowhere – most of the time, you have to work and find them.
A friend of mine recently opened a profile on a dating website. He was fairly reluctant – he was worried that online dating was “taboo,” awkward, or just plain weird. I’m sure you have a similar friend (or maybe we’re talking about you). I would encourage you to not be so reluctant to give online dating a shot – many couples have been happily married with a partner they met online. Try it out (but be careful though – we’ve all heard the horribly awkward blind-date stories)
I think the best piece of advice that I could give here is this: we’re all in the same boat. Rarely are people a fountainhead of connections, friends, and an unlimited supply of potential mates. Everyone after college wonders the same thoughts: ” Where can I find people? How can I get connected? Will I ever find true love?”
You can! And you will. Maybe it means going out on some dates with people you’d never expect to end up with. Maybe it means putting yourself out of your comfy zone of the same circle of friends and your coworkers, and meet new people. Who cares if it’s awkward and uncomfortable?
We’d love to hear from you in the comments below:
What key, tough piece of relationship advice do you think people need to hear?
Ask for feedback on current/potential relationships from mature friends (and heed it). Yes, it is awkward and frustrating to find out that others can see good reasons why the person you have your eye on would be a terrible match for you, but better that than ending up in a trainwreck of a relationship.
Definitely agree, Joanna. I wouldn’t be anywhere near where I am now without the help of lots of mentors. Thanks for the feedback!
Don’t put all of your focus on just finding a relationship. It will just leave you with a bitter and angry view on life. On that note, you can’t just sit back and relax. Anthony has a really great point about putting yourself out there, maybe putting up an online profile. 1 in 5 relationships now begin online, including mine! My boyfriend and I just moved in together, and couldn’t be happier (we met on Plenty of Fish)!
Relationships are tough, and while the “Honeymoon” period is great, what comes after takes a lot of time and effort to nurture and grow. Don’t let the Kardashian 72-day fiasco be a benchmark for you – if something is wrong, communicate it to your partner, otherwise it will fester and destroy something that would have otherwise been beautiful and amazing!
Thanks for the feedback, Stephanie! Definitely agree on the communication, I think that’s one of the most important things for couples to do. For me, it’s particularly challenging to keep up the communication when I feel mad, upset, angry, or frustrated. I want to shut down with my girlfriend, and that doesn’t do anything but keep her in the dark and breed resentment! Very important to keep an open dialogue.
I like point number 2 the most, settling doesn’t help u or the other person. I had a pastor once say that ‘the loneliness of being single is nothing compared to the loneliness of being in a loveless marriage’.
Dude. Very true. I’ve heard that phrase before too, Kevin. Like I said, better to be a little lonely now while everyone seems happy and in love, than jump into a negative, unhealthy, loveless relationship.
This is so timely for me.. For the first time in a very, very long time, I’m really single. After ending a long term relationship, I started going on a few dates. When the guy (who I didn’t even like all that much!) stopped acting interested, I kind of fell apart. I realized that I’ve been using relationships as validation that I’m okay, that I am lovable, and that I won’t be alone. I let myself grieve and wallow for about a week, and decided that today, I’m starting over. I’m putting myself out there. Not to find a relationship, but to meet people, get outside of my comfort zone, and find validation in myself. I want to confront the fear and learn that (hopefully) being single doesn’t mean being alone. I want to do the work now, so when I meet the one (when! not if!), I will be wholly ready and able to love in the way we both deserve.
They say you are more likely to have success on a diet if you tell people about your intentions. I’m hoping that success translates to grand proclamations/oversharing online about personal growth, too. 🙂 Thanks for this post!
Katy, thanks for much for the honesty! I think so many people (including me) can relate to having felt that way before – relying on “love,” relationships, and somebody else to give you meaning and identity, and that just can’t work.
I really admire your bravery to put yourself out there! Best of luck on your personal journey. I hope you learn that you are lovable, awesome, and attractive just by being you!
Oh the horrible adage of “you’ll find them when you’re not looking.” I hate this philosophy and I have since the first time I heard it. It’s just like the saying, “you want to have your cake and eat it too.” …. Of course I want to eat my cake!!! Why in the blue blazes was I given a cake when I can’t eat it?! So if I can’t eat my cake when I get it, no I don’t want it!! I do think about the possibility of finding a potential husband when I go to social functions because it’s something I really want. Just like I look to the horizon at the beach in hopes of seeing a pod of dolphins! Besides that, people say you need to “not be looking,” so then what am I focused on? Not looking! And that carries the same snafu as some diets. When your concentrating on eating better or eating less, you’re thinking about food more than you ever did before. An issue I have is that I have an obsessive personality. When I’m focused on something I want to be focused on it until I achieve what ever it is I’m after. I am practically incapable of changing course. I’m basically like a kid, I need someone else to do the distracting.
And whatever happened to “with God all things are possible”? He could bring a husband in my life despite my idiosyncrasies if he chose to, so what’s the hold up? I’ve had the desire to have a husband ever since I was fairly young, something like 12 or 13. And before that, I had the expectation that I would have a husband one day. I didn’t put that desire there! I didn’t sit down and decide that I was going to be hell bent on getting a husband! My outlook on my life and this subject in particular are a direct result of my personality in combination with the events in my life. Neither of which did I really have any real control over.
Emily, thanks so much for the comment, I loved reading it. A few things:
First, I think your thoughts are very relatable; I’ve met countless people in your same position who feel the same things. You’re not alone!
Next, I like Naomi’s point too: once you get too serious about finding “the one,” you give away some of the potentially funnest and adventurous times of being single. I’d encourage you to focus more on discovering exactly why you feel those things, why finding a husband/mate is to important, and any insecurities/issues underneath the surface. Your future husband will thank you for being proactive, and he’ll also thank you for not placing a subconscious dependence on him to always be there for you!
I’d just encourage you to take time to discover any issues underneath the surface (I’ve gone to counseling, read books, talked to mentors, etc) to find out the broken parts of me, so that God could heal me and I could be in a waaaay better place for a relationship. I’m sure you’re an awesome, attractive, fun-loving gal lots of guys would love to meet! Keep your head up!
Emily,
I totally understand the frustration of wanting/desiring to find an awesome husband, and the whole “stop looking” adage. I really didn’t understand how to do that in my twenties when for a lot of women like myself, finding a husband was front and center in my mind/heart constantly. So many people would tell me the same thing- Stop looking, stop looking. My story is maybe not one you should exactly follow, but I met the most incredible man, now husband, two months after I finally decided,”To hell with this shiz! I am just going to HAVE FUN and find great guy friends, not a husband!!!! i think I was way too serious about finding the One, and sizing up every guy as possible marriage material, hence i came out of two failed relationships, one long term, and the other uber long term. Neither one were relationships that I was even fully attracted to as well. I know how sad, but really great guys nonetheless. Anyhow, the moment I let that all encompassing obsession go, and just allowed myself to walk in absolute peace and freedom, just hanging out with guys and not having it be about finding a husband, it just happened. I even remember being in shock when I even felt like I was going to marry my now husband. For some reason, the adage of ‘stop looking’ is true. Maybe it should be worded differently though, like stop obsessing or stop trying to make/force things to happen or stop sitting and waiting for it to happen, basically stop living in that suffocating anxiety that prevents you from walking in freedom. Keep living your life! Find happiness where you are with who you are, and in who you are as God’s most treasured daughter. That uncontrived aura of peace and freedom will somehow attract the man you most desire because it means you are walking in a healthier state of mind.
thanks for your advise ,treat
depression online
I have been single just over 4 years now. I am guilty of having crushes to fill a lonely void and nothing ever works (it’s almost comical at this point, and expected). I have just recently adopted a much healthier lifestyle (eating better, working out, etc) for myself and trying to focus on just ME and making myself happy. I know it’s true – you can’t rely on someone else to make you happy – it comes from within. Long story short, I hope by me focusing on myself and my goals that everything else will fall into place. I get very lonely, but I hope in the end it will be worth the wait.
Chrissie,
Thanks so much for the feedback. If you can believe me, I think you’re in a great position right now, better than a lot of your peers, in the sense that you’re alone/single but you’re not constantly stressing about finding Mr. Right. I think it’s great that you’ve adopted a new lifestyle of health, fitness, and emotional well-being. You’re right – happiness does come within (and I believe true joy comes from God), not some attractive, suitable mate.
I think this loneliness now will be worth the wait to having happiness for a long time later.
Great list of advice. Simple but universal.
I have many girl friends who are single right now, and “never settle” is a piece of advice I often have to give them, along with respect. I may not be super fond of the girls that my friends are dating, but I always tell them, as long as he RESPECTS you. It’s easy to settle with a person when he/she keeps you company, texts you, goes out with you, cooks for you, etc., but if they don’t respect you, none of it matters. As for my guy friends, I find that they sometimes get hung up on the same girls, even when the girls aren’t returning the affection. I understand persistance is a virtue, but in a way they’re settling too because they’re not being open to dating, meeting other people, expanding their options, etc.
Great points, Isabel. I agree, I think both genders have their pitfalls when it comes to settling. I think a lot of it comes from a fear that “nothing better is coming along,” or perhaps just a belief that they’re not even worth it, both issues that need to be addressed.
When it comes to any beautiful relationship there is something I would like to add here, as it is the only true transformation of how your love will deepen on all levels. This is the relationship you have with yourself and with the present moment. You see what you give to yourself you will give to another and what you don’t well need I say more. The honesty and humbleness that comes from this very things gives you a greater place to love from beyond anything thoughts about it. If you are uncomfortable when you are alone, finding another to cover this up makes them responsible for it. You can feel how that will end just in the way it’s stated and happens. Yet the deepest romance you will experience will come only when you can break that uncomfortable feeling inside yourself. It really isn’t there.. You are… and you have energy to be shared when you find this for yourself. It isn’t about anything material you can give them when you find this as your core as it waits for you to be pointed to deep inside yourself. Brilliant post my friend.. It’s always this step in this moment. Just thought I would add!
Hey hey! Even Superman has invaluable input. Thanks, Clark! Great points. I agree, the relationship one has with oneself is far more important than with someone else. I think all healthy and good behaviors in a romantic relationship need to stem from a healthy relationship with oneself.
All great advice! I think people should also know when it’s time to leave a relationship (this could go hand-in-hand with not settling). As a recent post grad I have a handful of friends who are stuck holding on to the college fantasy and struggeling to adapt to the real world. Along with that, they are stuck holding on to a past girlfriend/boyfriend who solely worked in the college atmosphere. They are staying with them simply because it is what they are used to, they don’t really want to be single and the thought of their significant other being with another person bothers them. When it’s over it’s over, man.
I couldn’t have said it any better myself, that’s why I’m not saying anything! Again great post Anthony. Honored to have you officially become All Groan Up.
Amie, you are right and I wish I knew that bit of information years and years ago. I stayed with my college boyfriend for over 7 years, and it was for all the reasons you listed there. Since leaving that rlelationship, last year, I have met lots of people who are in the same position – stating in a relationship with scene wrong person and not understanding that they can simply walk away.
Sorry. I know this is an old thread. I discovered it this evening. Could it be we should stop blaming singles for the perfectly natural longing to meet, bond and love? Imho the problem isn’t in singles but society. We did away with the family. That seemed right to the folks who did it, but they failed to realize when you pave over a forest, miles away your flower bed will die because the bees in the forest did first.
Amish singles have no problem finding partners. Singles in India, until Western society interfered, had little problem marrying either. Even today after our meddling they still marry early and in bonds that tend to last. Orthodox Jewish and Islamic singles have no issue finding partners either. Yet Christian and secular Western singles do. Do the Amish, Hasidic Jews and Muslims, and Indians, have everything in common? No – many Indians are not particularly religious anymore, especially in large cities. Nor are all Muslims religious. So what’s their secret? What do all of these singles from very traditional communities have in common when many do not even practice their religions anymore? None removed the family.
As a result, Amish meet at barnraisings, Hasids get brought together by yentas, Indian parents arrange marriages. The trick is because the nuclear family remains the central column supporting their societies, their singles still get to benefit from mandatory traditions that hold regular events ensuring couples meet. What’s the secular US “barnraising”? One MANDATORY no single gets permission to duck out of? There isn’t one. We removed the family and replaced those events and rituals with… nothing. Online dating is not mandatory. Bar hopping isn’t either. Those won’t do it.
For a while, meeting at work was the thing. Then like clockwork the same folks who instructed us families were unhealthy criminalized dating in the workplace. Now there is nowhere for singles to meet where attendance is ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY. Work was the final one. And now it’s gone. Does this make sense anymore?
Eliminating the family then complaining because singles born after that can’t find mates anymore is kind of like shutting down the mall then complaining because the McDonald’s across the street closed down right after. McDonald’s, Barnes & Noble, and other big corporations, strategically put branches around malls because the malls drive customer traffic. One needs the other. Removing family from society was incredibly shortsighted and we need to stand up to our helpful media and tell them we don’t buy the bunk and we’re turning back to how our elders did it.
Bringing back the family is not a one-way nonstop ticket to racism, homophobia and religious repression like our dear new empty State warns us. We have learned enough to incorporate tolerance and freedom of expression within the family. We need not do away with families like tossing out the baby with the bath. We can raise our children better, bring in new tolerant families, and enjoy the traditional rituals coming back centuries of ancestors deliberately created to ensure that couples meet and life goes on. So it seems odd to blame today’s singles for the dilemma they’re all in. It’s not their fault. The blame is with a restlessly heterophobic and “progressive” culture desperately intent upon replacing tried and true, proven effective human traditions with an empty consumerist super state and its bland laws that do not work.
That’s all. We just need families back, so the auxiliary benefits of families still existing, such as regularly-scheduled traditional rituals and events can bring couples together.