There’s no quintessential Facebook Guidebook. And other than posting pictures of your kids, your pets dressed as kids, food pictures, inspirational quotes and the occasional friend-stalking, I’m not quite sure I know what Facebook is supposed to be for.
But I do know I’ve had a few Facebook updates I’d like to have back. And with the Internet’s Ironclad Memory that’s sometimes easier said than done.
So with the goal of making Facebook Friends, not Facebook “Hide Them From my Feed”, here are the twelve Facebook updates that should probably stop happening.
Original Photo – Creative Commons – Owen W Brown
1. The Brag-All Be-All
Giving the dollar amount of your last commission check or Shamu of a Deal you just landed, followed by a Cha-Ching and/or Holla at Me, doesn’t cement many Facebook friendships. Yes, you dry yourself in $100 bills. That’s awesome. I use a towel I haven’t washed in two weeks. So…
2. The Ish Talking Extravaganza
If you talk a lot of Ish on Facebook it makes me wonder about the incredible amounts of Ish you must talk when the world can’t see your every word.
3. The “I’m Single Again” Picture
Typically taken in Vegas or some sort of waterfall/beach scenario, I’m pretty sure there’s a better way to tell the world you’re ready to start fielding offers once again than the “I’m Single Again” Facebook picture.
4. Detailed Medical Report
I hope you get better. Honestly, I do.
And I’m all about authenticity and openness. Honestly, I am.
But when you start getting all Dr. Detailed on me, reminiscent of Awkward-Day in Freshman Health Class, I want out. When something gets lanced off your body, leave it there and off your Facebook.
5. The Tag-All Marketing Plan
Oh, your friend who you haven’t talked to since Mrs. Wilson’s class just tagged you in a picture. What could it be?
Oh, they’re starting a dance studio for kids and have gracefully tagged you in their promo pic. Sign my kid up.
6. The Middle-School Tag
Oh, your friend from Mrs. Wilson class tagged you again. Oh crap. This time it’s real! All the acne, braces, and bad sweaters you’d successfully removed from your memory, now in the world’s hands. I take it back, I’ll enroll my kid in your dance studio for five years. Just take down that Facebook pic!
7. The Job Search Sucks Facebook Daily
Yes, searching for a job is a tough, thankless gig. But complaining about it everyday does not make your Facebook friends want to help you find a job.
8. My Company Sucks Facebook Daily
Yes, life in our twenties can mean working a lot of crappy jobs. But complaining about it daily on Facebook definitely doesn’t make a Non-Crappy Job want to lure you in their direction. Because they know if they hired you it would be just a matter of time before you’re complaining about them too.
9. Rodent or Insect Infestation
If anything has laid eggs in your house, leave the descriptors for the exterminator.
10. Political and Theological Debates.
Yes I know some are ready to debate me right on Facebook for this comment. And I know for some people a ripe political debate on Facebook is like Christmas come early. And I know countless people can equate changing their life-long belief system to a heated back and forth Facebook chain. But maybe these kind of deep, complex conversations are better for, you know, in person.
11. It’s My Party and I’ll Post Pictures if I Want To
Yes you are at a Toga party for the first time. Yes there are scantily clad people all around, including yourself. But call me Barbara Bush and put a shawl around my shoulders, I don’t think you should necessarily post 55 pictures documenting the whole night. The Long Arms of the Internet doesn’t let you bring those Facebook pictures back.
12. The All-The-Time
Every hour on the hour.
Enough said.
I would love to hear your thoughts below. What Facebook updates do you wish would stop happening?
I definitely agree with the political posts – even if I agree with the general message these do nothing but agitate me. If you’re really passionate about an issue start a blog and direct readers there. Also, if your updates are consistently in need of a “Read More” tag, you’re posting too much.
Ha. Well said Sarah “if your updates are consistently in need of a “Read More” tag, you’re posting too much.”
I’m not a fan of the mothers/fathers who post every little changing thing that is happening to their baby/child. Why they feel it necessary to tell us their children’s bowel movements is beyond me.
Ha! Guilty as charged 🙂 When you’ve experienced a “blow out” you just got to tell the world 🙂
YES!! I was going to say the same thing! I do not care about your potty training! Or sleeping through the night! I know that it’s a big deal to you, and someday maybe I’ll understand, but puh-LEASE!
And, I want to add household chores and food. I do not need to know that you just cleaned the toilet and are now going to go vacuum. Think of something interesting in your life!
Food? You ask? What’s bad about that? Sometimes it doesn’t bother me, but it’s the inevitable “yum!” tagline that is so annoying! What is that about?! Yum this, yum that, just eat it and you decide! If I can’t eat it, I don’t want to know how yummy it was! And what if I think your beet salad is disgusting? This kind of stuff should be on a food blog, I don’t need to see your breakfast on facebook.
Great list Paul. The complainers! Complaining about their love lives or lack thereof, bosses, sleep-deprivation, the flu, anything to get attention to have others tell them they are beautiful, awesome, etc. Attention seekers!
Thanks Diana! Definitely right. When complaining becomes your Facebook, online brand it’s hard to break out.
I’m not a fan of the play-by-play relationship status updates! I really don’t need to know that your boyfriend texted you just to tell you good morning today. Or how each each hour when you update is you saying how lucky you are to be in love with your best friend and then including the ‘sweet text he just sent you’.
Ha Sarah. Too funny.
Don’t forget about the ambiguously mean revenge status “calling you out” comment that doesn’t say who it’s directed to. So then everyone thinks it’s about them.
“You’re such an awful person. I don’t understand how you can be such a jerk and be okay with it.” or sometimes it ends with “you know who you are.”
You know, that one. Then gossip starts about how some people think it’s about them. And then social media wars happen, friendships ruined. If you have a beef with someone, tell it to them face-to-face! FACEbook doesn’t count. Can’t stand that.
Andddd hallelujah to #10! I couldn’t stand election season. My feed was angry status over article over picture, etc. Facebook is for friends, not political and theological wars!
Major props on this article, Paul — it’s stuff we all think about. We just don’t have the balls to say out loud to not offend friends. But they need to hear it!
Devan — too funny and well said.
“ambiguously mean revenge status” — Great addition!
Thanks for the kind words!
YES! There is nothing worse than going on Facebook (which is meant to be used as a micro-blog-type network) and seeing any one of the above mentioned Facebook updates. Hello Facebook world – NOBODY CARES! Keep your personal life oh, I don’t know, personal!
How about the vague ” :(” or “rough day” – that just begs for a ton of comments asking what happened? Just come out and say it if you are going to allude to it on Facebook! Otherwise, call a friend and actually talk it out!
Kate – The Vague “Rough Day” — ha. Too good.
And a few more:
cheesy inspirational memes. Any picture of a soldier, puppy, or paraplegic who I have to “like” and “share” or I am a terrible person who doesn’t care. I know who I am and what I care about, and I don’t need to be guilt ridden into liking a meaningless meme to prove it to the world.
Rants or memes that are inflammatory and label people in a way that is entirely unhelpful- ie- “all Republicans are homophobic, gun slingers who hate poor people and vaginas.” OR “All liberals want to steal your money, hate America, and are going to take away your guns and make friends with Ahmedinejad while he bombs Israel.”
It is better to keep your mouth shut and risk being thought an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!
Finally, until I come up with more, spelling and grammar mistakes. This is a pet peeve, not everyone feels this way, but I will immediately disregard whatever enlightening point you’re trying to make if you can’t spell. Harsh,…maybe but if you graduated high school you have no excuse.
Finally some wrote this! Love this post.
In terms of complaining about jobs, I am the opposite though. I actually don’t like airing my misgivings with my boss, workmates, etc. on social media. I rather just keep it to myself. That’s my personality though. But I think the social media should never be a platform for workplace rants. It will come back and hunt the complainer when he/she gets a chance to apply for a new job. Hiring managers surely google applicants and search their social media.
Anyway, all I know about social media is that it’s a double-edged sword. People using it should be careful!
I really don’t think anyone without children will ever understand the dynamic and special world of having kids and how their small, though amazing, milestones are sometimes so fun and/or crazy that a parent just has to post a Facebook update about it- like potty training.:) So, I will have to disagree with those above who do not like children status updates, although I DO agree that these updates should be reserved for the craziest or funniest of moments, not every single transition of your child.
And as for spelling and grammar, I think people need to get over their high-faluten-selves (oops was tha misspelled?;) because in the world of tiny iPhone keys and autocorrect (damn autocorrect), spelling errors will happen. Often. It sucks when it does, but so much worse when you’ve got ugly spelling Nazis trolling the Internet, ready to pounce on that mistake. Although, I have seen a few polite Spelling Nazis here and there.
Trish – You’re right, we don’t understand what it’s like to have a child if we don’t have any. I think the reaction comes from the fact that Facebook started as a college students’ platform (originally you needed a college email address to even sign up) and now as its original users have grown up, along with older generations being able to join and Facebook’s evolution into a marketing platform, the dynamic that originally made Facebook so appealing to college students/20 somethings has changed a bit. It’s not necessarily a bad change, just different.
One of the things that gets on my nerves is the posting of unsubstantiated “facts” to paint another group in society in a bad light. Despite the fact that compared to many countries Australia’s refugee intake is small, it is still a contentious issue. It makes me so frustrated to see people stirring up negative sentiment against refugees (many of whom are vulnerable and have the right under international law to seek asylum here) by posting dubious and completely unsubstantiated or out of context figures on how many are arriving or how much the government spends on them.
Number one on my list has GOT to be the crappy overhead picture of a mediocre meal.
Unless it’s an ice cream sundae with ACTUAL gold flakes in it (thank you, New York!), I really could care less what people are eating. Especially when they aren’t a professional food photographer, and it makes everything look like scrambled eggs.
“crappy overhead picture of a mediocre meal” — too funny Zak.
I vote for the fishing post that is solely designed to get people to comment. Although the people who give in and DO comment on it are just as annoying.
Facebook Poster: “I hate that…”
Commenter: WHAT’S UP HONEY? ARE YOU OK? XOXOXOXO
Caitlin — Yes. Agreed
I don’t need to know how far somebody ran that morning. Seriously… don’t give a crap that you and your perfect backside ran further than I drove to get a Latte man.
In fact, your yoga class, your kid’s hockey game and your cat don’t interest me much either.
AND I wouldn’t mind political comments if FB had an IQ test pop up before it posted what you wrote.
Expanding on my comment about political posts – whenever a global tragedy happens I feel like there’s pressure to post condolences. I understand that it’s important for celebrities/politicians to do so to show they know what’s going on, but I think my friends/family should know that I feel bad about an event like Newtown without my having to say so. I understand that people cope with grief in different ways but I never look down on anyone for not posting a “thoughts and prayers” comment, yet still feel pressure to post a similar update even though could never capture the way I truly feel. I’m sure that others trying to build credibility as bloggers feel the same.
“don’t give a crap that you and your perfect backside ran further than I drove to get a Latte”
HA! Well said Magnolia.
While many things people post on FB do annoy me, I post occasionally about my daughter (most of my FB friends are relatives or parents, so not too much worry about offending others) but I’m just curious…
What would people consider okay to post on FB? We’re running out of things to post about with all the above restrictions. 🙂
Haha…yes, perhaps it would be better if Facebook News Feed disappeared altogether, though I know it is an invaluable tool for companies.
Now let’s talk about Twitter…
Updates I hate include cliches. A lot of people post cliches, I don’t know, maybe just to have something to update their status with. “Honesty is the best policy.” “Time is like a river…” “Weak people seek revenge; strong people…”
I also hate stolen quotes. I know when someone ain’t smart enough to come up with something witty.They picked those lines from books or from the internet–without acknowledging the source. You’ll find those smart quotes on one of your random searches online.
Love sickness on Facebook is sick! “I’m terribly missing him.” “Babe, I miss you. Please, please answer the phone.” Enough. Enough!
Facebook Diary. “Dear Facebook, I just woke up, feeling the warmth of the morning sun. Time to go to the toilet.” 5 minutes later… “Couldn’t move my bowels. Guess I’m constipated. Remedies?” 5 minutes later… “stomach discomfort. oh, not today. i have deadlines to catch.” 5 minutes later…
I hate hate posts for everyone to read. “I DON’T GIVE A F*CK ABOUT YOU SO STAY THE F*CK OUT MY BUSINESS!” “It’s my Facebook account so I can post whatever I want!!!”
Lastly, I hate narcissistic posts. “I just finished 30 minutes of cardio workout. Wow! I’m sweating like hell!” This is a description to his Nth shirtless photo. “I just got out of a hair salon.” Uploads an album of 30 self portraits. Cool!
I agree whole-heartedly with most of these. I’ve almost “hidden” every single person on my news feed due to one of the reasons above.
I’d love to see an addition to this post with what IS appropriate to post about on Facebook. Or is the problem bigger – should we only be ‘friends’ with people who we actually do care that much about to be interested in what they are eating, etc?
Thanks Amy! I’ll work on the “What to do” on Facebook.
I’ve literally unfollowed, even un-friended people on facebook because of the frequent annoying facebook statuses mentioned in this blog. The two main ones that bug me the most are the brag – all – be – all and the all – the – time.