What if you could have a face to face talk with yourself at 21 years old?
What would you tell him or her?
Your 20s are about pointing your life a certain direction and one way or another, you’re going to be sailing somewhere. What would you tell yourself at 21 years old or in your early 20s to make sure you were on the right course?
I was an idiot at 21 years old.
Let’s be honest. People that knew me back then are probably shaking their heads in full-fledged agreement.
If I could transport back and find myself sleeping on that bottom bunk in Santa Barbara, first, I’d tell myself to clean up my room and then do some serious scrubbing on that shower, because that stuff is just nasty. How the heck do you live like this?
Then I’d say these four things to help myself do my 20s right starting at 21 years old.
5 Things I Wish I Could Tell Myself at 21 Years Old
1. You’re NOT the Shiz.
Seriously man, you’re not.
And the sooner you stop acting like it, the sooner we can get to work.
Cockiness is insecurity on steroids.
To succeed in your 20s you need two things: Humility and Grit.
Humility — To be willing to take on some not-so-glamorous jobs and roles.
Grit — To plow through the not-so-glamorous. Learn and do it well, so you start getting opportunities for the semi-glamorous.
Twentysomethings who work with grit and humility are the ones who are going to rock their 30s like Nickelback at the Missouri State Fair.
2. Don’t Be Afraid to Embarrass Yourself in Your Twenties
As I write in my book 101 Secrets For Your Twenties:
“The possibility for greatness and embarrassment both exist in the same space. You can’t do anything great if you’re not willing to be embarrassed in the process.”
The biggest risk you can take at 21-years-old is not taking any risks at all.
This is the time in life where you need to be taking strategic risks. It’s not the season to play it safe. Your twenties about growing. It’s hard to grow if you’re only taking the comfortable path.
Or as best-selling author and business guru Seth Godin shared with me for my book 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties: “What is fear holding you back from doing? Is it worth it?”
Don’t let fear call the shots. It’s not worth it. You’ll make mistakes in your twenties. That’s normal. The biggest mistake is feeling like you shouldn’t make any.
3. Your 20s are Not About Making Money. Your 20s are About Making Relationships
Money should be the least of your worries throughout your 20s.
Don’t focus on a paycheck. Focus on people.
Build relationships.
Create a network.
Don’t stick to the five comfortable friends who will never challenge you to go further.
I challenge you every week to reach out to someone new, someone older, someone wiser.
Build a Relationship Portfolio.
Not only is it healthy to live life in community. But I promise that every lil’ bit of success you experience in your twenties will be birthed out of a relationship.
For some tips and strategies on how to build better relationships in your twenties, check out my podcast episode “7 Important Strategies in Building Better Relationships.”
Are you asking the right questions to find success in your 20s?
This is a book I’ll keep going back to again and again! – Kelly, Amazon Review
Grab your copy of 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties
4. In Your 20s, the Real Learning Begins
College is about learning how to learn.
College is about gathering a bunch of different expensive tools to place them in your shed.
Your twenties are about learning how to use these tools effectively, while continually gathering bigger, more complex tools.
Your tool shed out back is endless. Never think you can fill it to the max. Never stop reading, learning, asking the right questions, and challenging yourself.
You’ll never learn enough.
5. Process, Process, Process, Process
Don’t worry about “making it.”
Don’t look for that moment you’ve climbed the mountain and can stand at the top victorious.
Your 20s aren’t about conclusion. Your 20s are about the opening paragraph.
You’re outlining your twenty-something story in pencil.
Your 20s will be covered in eraser marks and revisions.
That’s all right. Your 20s don’t come to fruition in a day, they are shaped in a decade.
Your 20s aren’t about perfection. Your 20s are about process.
Discover more secrets for your 20s with Paul Angone’s best-selling book 101 Secrets For Your Twenties.
“I read this book in the middle of my quarter life crisis and it has helped so much!” – Marie, Amazon Review
“Hilarious, moving, and life changing…” – Jordan, Amazon Review
With over 184 222 1,190 5-Star reviews and counting, check out what people are saying about 101 Secrets For Your Twenties on Amazon.
Wait, I thought this was 4 things you’d tell *yourself* – because it looks like you stole my thoughts and just told 21 year old me everything he needed to hear. 🙂
Ha! Good to hear Matt. We would have been the best of friends. Granted, other people might not have wanted to hang out with us 🙂
Hi, Paul!
Although I’d love to believe #2 is true, everything in my life right now points to the opposite — massive loan payments, the cost of settling down in a new city, bills for groceries, cell phone, rent, gas and car payments.
I wouldn’t say that I allow stress about money consume me, but the reality is that it’s actually critically important right now, and having people say the opposite can be hard to hear, as my present situation proves otherwise.
At the same time, I can understand and appreciate your point about the importance of mentoring relationships and the role they play in growth and success. I also understand that choosing a job for money alone is not the best decision (people get trapped in misery pretty quickly!).
Thanks for writing!
Kellye, well-said! I can relate big-time as that was my early-mid twenties to a T.
Definitely why our 20s can feel like such a war. The reality of the “real” battling the importance of the long-term.
I guess my main point is if you’re barely struggling to get by, but you’re building a strong network who see you working hard, see you being consistent, see you doing what it takes, that’s going to have the highest long-term payoff than a comfy salary. When those relationships have an opportunity open, they’ll know who to turn to.
#1 resonates with me the most! I’m 23 now, but sometimes I still have to remind myself that I’m not entitled to anything I want just because I jumped the four year loop that was my time at a university.
If I had to tell my 21 year old self anything, it would be just that!
I would also tell myself to keep the ball moving at all costs. 21 is such an important year to begin building new things –new connections outside of school, new academic relationships with professors, a new technical skill…
Thanks Jessica!
“keep the ball moving at all costs.”
Great line. Even when we feel most stuck, what’s one small thing we can do to keep moving forward
I’d tell my 21-year-old self what I often tell the college students I work with: you’ll never have it “all figured out” so stop trying to get to that point. Sure things will become more clear and your life’s path will seem less erratic as the years go on, but there will always be new challenges and new issues that you are 100% clueless about. Which is a good thing – we’d get bored otherwise!
This is like what you said in Point #4, but taken to a lifespan perspective; it’s not just our 20s that have eraser marks, it’s our lives that do. The sooner we can embrace that reality rather than doing things to cover it up (e.g., clinging to people/jobs/situations that are bad for us simply for the sake of “stability”), the sooner we can start enjoying life in all its muddled glory.
Wow Rebecca! Well said. If I was going to make an addendum to this article, that would be it.
“the sooner we can start enjoying life in all its muddled glory.”
Great line!
oh paul! again, you flippin’ nail it. i’m with matt – it’s like you knew what i was thinking! it’s funny how it’s taken me 9 years to figure all this stuff out and now at 30 i’m just about ready to be a 20-something.
i think another piece of advice i’d tell my 21-year-old self: plan but be flexible. life’s to big and amazing to stick to a script. and, frankly, it won’t anyway so you might as well embrace it and enjoy the ride.
Ha! Thanks Tim. “Now at 30 i’m just about ready to be a 20-something.” Well said! I feel the exact same way.
Plan but be flexible. Great advice!
Been really enjoying these posts. Going to need to remember I’m working on my grit when I have to do the crappy jobs, rather than just failing miserably at life.
Also, having seen Nickelback at the Missouri State Fair, I wouldn’t say they rocked, they kinda got upstaged by Seether, but that’s just my opinion.
Austin — Hahaha! Nickelback upstaged? Impossibility x 33,000.
Thanks for the great comment.
I actually was making money right out of college and I spent it on dumb stuff like Justin Timberlake concerts, expensive jeans, traveling for kicks and pricey restaurants and other things that were just plain fun. Don’t get me wrong- I enjoyed all of that… and still love those things, BUT I would be able to enjoy some of that now (instead of pinching pennies) if I had started paying my student loans down and used more discernment and thought of moderation. Now, in my 30s, my expenses are greater (i.e. you most likely won’t continue to live with 4 other people in a small house or with your parents and think its fun/acceptable when you are married… or just plain older) and I’m still paying my student loans off. =(
Dear 21 year old self- listen to Dave Ramsey.
Liz — Gosh wish we were friends back in the glory days. I’d have been the friend who happens to show up around dinner time about 4-7 times a week.
23-year-old me would tell 21-year-old me to stop comparing my life to others, because the sooner I can learn this lesson the better life will be (I still have a looong way to go in learning this one). People in their twenties do such a vast array of different things, and that’s awesome–but it doesn’t mean that what I’M doing is somehow bad or less important. Different is not bad.
lots of truth there, brianna! i struggled with obsessive comparison disorder a long time, and still do. but you’re so right: though people do different things it doesn’t diminish what you are doing. different is definitely not bad. well said.
“Different is not bad.” Love that! Thanks Brianna
Lots of really good advice here, thanks so much for the reminder!:)
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t worry if some guy will like you and appreciate you for who you are. Six years later you’ll meet him and be part of a wonderful story that only God could have orchestrated.
Besides, those guys in college, the ones you envied your friends over and took part in drinking sprees every weekend will probably end up being the guys you thank God you never ended up with in the first place.
Does the change in body structure and wrinkles ruin anything?
I’m way past twenty-one, and this is right on the money. Funny, we get out of college and somehow think that’s it, the life we dreamed of should be here, but it’s just beginning. Your twenties are the perfect time for working on a good foundation — attitude, relationships, and cultivating a teachable spirit. Good stuff!
Thanks Bridget! Right on
Thank you for your posts! As a person who had crazy expectations of my 20’s, they have really given me perspective and helped me to live joyfully where I am, knowing that it’s okay that I don’t have it all figured out.
Love all the advice from you and your readers, Paul!
I’m 22, just graduated college and living at home. I’m a freelance journalist and not making the most money, but #2 reminds me that I’m doing the right thing! Freelancing I meet a lot of great people and get to do what I love!
Granted, I’m lucky enough to have supportive parents who give me food and rent for free. But it’s easy to get caught up in the money; sometimes I think about moving out to gain my independence. I’ll get there eventually, but right now it’s important to make those connections and get what I want later in life.
Love these tips. Especially: “Your 20s are Not About Making Money. Your 20s are About Making Relationships.” Sharing over at https://www.facebook.com/FMUniversity where we believe quite a bit in the relationships stuff.
#2 was right on the money. In college, I took a paid internship because of pressure from my parents. Instead I could have taken a non-paid internship that would have produced more business contacts and better work experience. It’s so easy to armchair quarterback it now and I ended up learning from the paid internship, but it would have been nice to take a different route that would have benefited me more. Great article!
Honestly, 1 and 2 don’t particularly resonate with me. Not because they’re not true, but because at 21 I was struggling with my self-esteem and trying desperately to repair a broken relationship, so those points are the opposite of my experience. I would have told myself, “It gets better,” which I guess corresponds with #4. I agree that humility is crucial, but some of us need to hear that while we’re not “the shiz,” that doesn’t mean we’re pieces of “shiz” (pardon the pun), even if we feel like it or are treated like it.
Yea, i should have worked harder on the relationship part…and the learning the right stuff not just plowing through. If I would have worked harder to learn the GOOD stuff in my undergraduate work instead of working at going home and hanging out with my family I would have had a much easier time in Graduate school. I wish that I would not have treated undergrad like a glorified HS classroom and would have remembered I was paying a lot more for THAT information! Something else I would have told my 20something self was DON’T worry about developing that boyfriend relationship thing! I would have had much more fun, less tears, less money spent on travel, and more awesome memories with female friends. If I would have trusted that God would take care of me and not worried about “having a boyfriend” or “having someone to kiss” that would have been so much better for me! I have the best hubby now and I didn’t even work 1/4 as hard to get him:) God practically threw him at me and said “here is the AWESOMENESS that I had planned for you”. This relationship is WAY better than the mess of a relationship I was trying to FIX for 5+ years!!!
I’m 21 and moving to Italy next week after graduating from uni in London, I’m terribly scared of whatever this ‘failure’ seems to be. I’ll be turning 22 in the next few months and on the road into my twenties. This is the best advice I’ve heard in a long time – basically, stop worrying and float on!!! Thanks a lot, I’ll certainly be keeping the challenge of meeting new people and building relationships – your bloody right!
Thanks Eleanor! How’s life going for you now?
I turn 21 tomorrow and this advice is STELLAR. Thanks!
I am a professional lurker on blogs, but this really resonates with me. I am a 22 recent grad, and am considering moving across the country for a dead-end job; but that would give me an opportunity to create a new network rather than staying in my old one that isn’t really expanding. Perhaps see where it leads. This is definitely the time in my life where I have the opportunity to move sideways on occasion, keep my mind looking forward, and explore/experience as much as I can.
I’m 21 and I’m on track, I’m on track better than anybody else in the comment section, I made some hard decisions, broke up with my girl friend and move to new place find new friends, Its just the beginning and I’m so intimidated by the new things and friends as if they accept me but after reading this, I’m sure every thing goes as I planned.
thank you man you are awesome
I’m am 23 years old After i was in a car accident it show me all the things that i was missing out on.I was always at work. I didn’t really go out the way i use to any more and i feel i became a loner. I think i Should work hard on the relationship part because i was so caught up in making money and paying bills at home.I have a few friends and attitude need to be work on because i was doing a stressful job that i was making any process in . I’m motivate in myself after reading this post to go back out their and hustle hard to put back my life on the right track. I’m doing physical therapy at this moment to recover from the back injuries i suffered in the car accident .
Awesome advice
I’m 21 and about to graduate college next week. My post grad plan is to go volunteer for a year in Mongolia to teach. This sounds crazy, I know. I like reading your blog posts because it affirms me that I’m getting lost in the right direction. I have no idea what is next after this. I never even thought this would be a possibility until about 6 months ago. You brought up revisions and building a relationship portfolio in this post. I like that you said that because those are two things I feel relate so much to my life right now. Thanks for all you do Paul! This community you created helps me not feel alone!
Hi, I’m 21 and I’ve never been to a party outside of school, a sleepover since I was 17, hangout since 17 etc. etc. Currently I’m in college and am so glad to be offered such a great liberal arts education. The only problem is that I’ve been sheltered for the past 8 years of my life and to make matters worse, I am not well off and have to commute to school. While I don’t find these things important, I do feel that I can’t perform to my best extroverted self. So while I feel very impressed by the things I learn each day, I stand out for being strange in not caring about friends and not relationships or for not hanging out with people etc, and I hate it. It is not that I don’t care, it is that I see the more important things and responsibilities in life as I want to be a teacher. My only fear is that I am missing out. And I hate when people say you are not missing out but, going through life alone is extremely terrifying. Sometimes I have no one to talk to but myself and the people I’ve come to know I’ve let them go because of my depressing thoughts that I rather not open up about to spare them of the things I’ve gone through. I just want people to be happy. Although, it’s hard to have to courage when I cannot stand myself and the way I look which is average and not as awesome as I would like to be. So I’m tense, I apologize…I just hope things turn out better in the future. Especially when most of my family frowns at me for never being in a proper relationship. -never been in a relationship since highschool and that was just 1 week with a person so I ah uh oh welll lol. Sweet blog;), #uptodate
I’m absolutely dedicated to going to college this will defiantly keep me in mind.,.
Wow i love all the amazing advice. Thank you.
I am 21 and right now really seems to be time for growing that backbone. Another thing would be to zone- in focuss and motivation for a 4year- long studies. And lots of travelling that helps mental state, mood, creates opinion -perspectives, philosophy cause you need to learn how to handle all those crazy people out there. history- place to find answers.
– Recspect yourself and with it comes the respect for others.
I’m almost 22. I work basically full time. I have friends, they are great and many do challenge me or encourage me to do things i love. I am a musician in Melbourne Australia. I have 6 siblings 4 of which are at home with my mum, I am second eldest with the youngest being 6. My mum is single and is a bomb ass stay at home mum. I financially support her though. I can’t save because when I do it goes to her anyways. This is okay though. I still have a life, I live out of home. I want to spend $5000 making an album and really want to pursue music though its hard. I feel full of shit for writing this but hey.. I’m probably a bit more life-experienced than a lot of other people my age. I just fear that when I get to 30 or 25 or fucking 50 I won’t have much other than a job and a minimal life. I have ambition and goals and I read all of these blogs and receive so much advice from others and blogs but none of them really cater to my kind of life. I guess I don’t really ever expect it to. This is still great advice for people my age and probably any age but I’ve heard it. I live it. I know what its like to work hard, damn hard. I make enough to support myself, pay for my rent and help my mum and all. I don’t know I guess I just felt like sharing this. It does piss me off though that I look around and the fellow members of the 20-something club are complaining about absolute shit and bullshit problems. I don’t really know. This is my life
Thanks for sharing your story and your unique, mature perspective. We all have a different story, that’s for sure. All each of us can do is live the best story that we have. Sounds like you’re doing a great job with yours.
heyy! just wan to say thank you for the absolute great advice and the feedbacks are really helpful. Im not twenty yet but i do feel like im supposed to get something wise for the sake of my future. Being me is pathetic but i guess i know what is lack about me, the #2 advice seems to be the fix. I should socialize more and build as many relationship as i could. thanks again!
been reading all the comments and l think am learning something…we’ll l just turned 21.my 20 hasn’t been easy suffered from depressions and not being good enough or worrying too much abt life and the future.and now am abt to work at diff country which is giving anxities and all..l don’t like ppl…I don’t know how to communicate with them so this gets me worried too much cz yk the making of the new relationships with ppl.cz as for now a got 2 to 3 friends whom I don’t fully open up to..but l’ll learn .am also afraid of failure of making mistakes..how am I supposed to grow.l feel like I need to be a diff and new person now…Am scared also for the decisions l’ll make in my 21